Thursday, July 5, 2012

on being fine

We have made it to the one month mark. Finally. Praise the Lord. It is minuscule in the long term of this deployment but also huge.

I feel like we are maybe just maybe over the crying all the time stage. That we will be able to go to bed without crying every night.

That is if we ever actually make it to bed on any given day. Bed time around here is the hardest, most dreaded part of my day.

I am so close and yet so far. The end is in sight and yet it takes me forever to get there.

What used to take 15 minutes now takes over an hour. Bible story, prayers, bathroom routine. Tucking in. Times four. Except two kids repeatedly get out of bed. Over and over and over again.

Amelia cries every single night if I am not on the couch if she opens her bedroom door to check. I can't take out the trash, run out to my car for a forgotten cell phone, I am chained to the couch. She is terrified of being left behind.

So I sit. Reading, watching TV. Not doing laundry.

In the middle of the night Drew and Amelia wake up. Never at the same time. Throughout the night. I am like a hibernating bear.. do not wake me up unless there is blood or vomit or asthma.

There is never blood or vomit or asthma. Jason always did night time wake ups.

Yes, I really do get five hours of sleep. Combined sleep. Its like two newborn babies that walk and cry and repeatedly walking up steps all night.

Then Will wakes up for the day "starving" when the sun comes up. Always when the sun comes up..

One month down and so many more to go..

There are so many people to thank, I don't even know where to start. My parents, Tracey, Mike, Joey and Sammy. Theresa. My friends. You keep us going and I love you all.

Some of you understand that I just don't want to talk about this every.single.time. I see you. And I love you for that..

Others don't understand that I can't talk about it. So you keep asking. And I love you for your concern but I just can't talk about it.

You don't know that when I hear the words "I'm sorry" over and over and over again, I want to crawl out of my own skin because I'm so tired of hearing those words.

That for the first time ever, I can almost understand what it is like for someone that has lost someone they love. They hear over and over again "I'm sorry. What can I do?"

Nothing. There is nothing anyone can do and while "I'm sorry" is heartfelt it is claustrophobic.

I really do not know where Jason is. I don't talk to him every single day. Communication absolutely is terrible this time around. Terrible..

I have spoken to my husband 2 times for 15 minutes in 1 month. My emails get kicked back. Communication is terrible.

I can't explain this to you and hear "I'm sorry". I just don't want to talk about it.

I just want our lives to be normal.

I do not want to see pity in your eyes when you look at me.

I don't want my kids to have to hear about it every day. We are living it we can't keep talking about it too.

I am doing my best to feel normal when a huge, huge piece of me is missing.

Every move I make right now, I make for four little people.

That I cannot do all that I usually do. I struggle to find time to do what I am actually doing.

So that we will be able to walk in a store and see a soldier and not bawl our eyes out.

We will be able to go to our first day of kindergarten without our Daddy and it won't be a big deal..

I convince Will that peeing in the woods when there is no bathroom available is what soldiers do. Maybe a stretch but whatever..

We will come out of this still proud and patriotic in a country, that is, well not..

So that we will all sleep.

That this deployment is enough. That this will finally be enough. That it will be someone else's turn finally..

I wish that when you heard me say "I am fine." You would know that it's a fight to get to "fine" most days. That I'm not falling apart, I haven't lost my mind yet and that fine is good.

I don't expect to surpass fine given our current situation. I see "fine" as passing the course. And right now, I'm just happy to not be failing.

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