then and now

Eleven years ago, I was checking out at Express. They were running a huge sale, had opened early and I had stopped there after spending the night at my friends. I bought two things. A plaid skirt and a pair of leather pants. For those of you who know me now you find leather pants to be in the same unbelievable category as yellow-blonde hair that was straight and halfway down my back. But yes, leather pants and a plaid maxi skirt were my purchase for the day. And I was excited about rocking the pants. My total was $211 and some odd change. I was swiping my debit card when another girl came out of the backroom crying. Hysterically crying. Transaction completed. I found out about the first tower. And then the second. And I stood there with the stupid leather pants and the now hysterical girl, dumbstruck. Thinking surely someone this hysterical could not know what she was talking about. No one accidentally flies airplanes into buildings.

And I got out of that store as fast as I could and found a TV and then I saw it. But they weren't little airplanes. They were jets. And the smoke and the fire was enormous. Little did I know how much I would see those two burning buildings that day. From every angle, from every news station. That I would actually later see the plane hit the tower. Again and again and again. Until I was almost numb from the shock. But I started driving. And trying to call my mom. And my brother. I was driving when the first tower fell. And still driving when the second came down.. And I called my friend, who was also sleeping in on her one day off and told her to turn on the TV and see if what I was hearing on the radio was really true. And it was. And we sat and watched the news forever.

And in New York, there was a soldier who watched it live on television, on a base. A soldier that was supposed to get out of the army and move home. Maybe get a job, get meet somebody and get married. In Oklahoma. And then those planes hit. And so he stayed. In New York. And was deployed with the first units that were sent over. And he was sent again and when he came back, again, I met that soldier and six months later I married him. And a year later, when he had a baby that was six weeks old, back he went..

This morning, at our school we held a small program to honor the lives of those lost and to support those continuing to fight for our freedom. To honor my sweet, humble and dedicated husband. Who has been on more deployments in eleven years than I like to say realize. I think of 9/11 more than most because, well, it affects our daily life. It has affected our daily life for the passed 9.5 years. This one act of horror made Jason's and I's paths cross. And while I am shocked and upset every year when I remember, I am also forever grateful. For the kind and humble and selfless man that I call my husband. For the greatest love.

Tonight I drove home with Isabella from dropping off Amelia at dance and we passed a local fire station. Two of the engines had ladders completely raised and crossed so that all cars had to pass under them as they drove. Bella said, mama look at the fireman! They remember too. Then she was quiet. And said, did you know that bad men flew airplanes into buildings mama? And people died. A lot of people died mama.

And I was quiet and for the first time today, at 3:45, I cried. It was longer than I have ever made it without crying on this day. And I certainly didn't think this would be the year I made it until the afternoon with dry eyes. I explained to Bella about the attacks. I explained about the firemen that ran, literally ran, into burning buildings to bring people out. And I explained what is her reality everyday.. that her daddy is away protecting us from men that fly airplanes into buildings. And soldiers have to keep going to keep fighting and keep going and it's a never ending job. It's always somebody's Daddy, somebody's job.

So we just keep remembering. We just keep praying. For peace. For freedom.

Until they all come home.

a random post

1. I'm not sure how much time I have for blogging. I know, I know. I'm doing my best to get from here to there and everywhere.

2. We are back in school - Praise the Lord - and loving it.

3. Fall schedule is in full effect and I'm not quite sure what I was thinking when I signed up for all these classes. If you need me you're literally going to have to catch me until November.

4. Today I went grocery shopping and my cart was kidnapped when I leaned over to inspect some fruit. Really? Who walks off without checking the shopping cart you're pushing. I had to search the store for 5 minutes chasing Mr. Speed Shopper who was 4 aisles over.

5. We played three back to back soccer games today. Our typical Saturday :) The last one entirely in the rain. It totally reminded me of my running days.

6. Only two teams stuck it out on the upper fields, the rest called their games and literally ran for it. I'm not sure if we are just that die hard of soccer parents and grandparents or if we all believe what I grew up hearing "it's just rain, you're not going to melt"

7. Will scored three goals. I might sprinkle him with water every game.

8. Amelia has adjusted seamlessly to kindergarten. No tears, no drama. It's like she has gone her entire life. Now if I could just get that kid to read all would be well :)

9. Bella takes a big test every week. This week we practiced spelling words every day. On the third day, Bella said "I am tired of practicing these words all the time. You make me do this every single day." Second grade is harder than the previous two. Third grade scares me.

10. Amelia finally stood her ground with her little brother today. He wanted the beloved Bear Bear at bedtime and she said "No". He cried, she still said "no". She never, ever tells that kid no. He went to bed bawling and she felt terrible. I could tell she conflicted on what to actually do. Give away her bear or let Drew cry. I had to tell her that it's okay to sometimes look out for yourself. And this was one of those times..

ten on tuesday

1. Will went to play with his girl Addie on Sunday. For hours. When he got home he told me everything they did and how they are best friends. Forever.

2. My memory is ridiculous. I know a lot of people don't know this but I remember things and details from 1997 (and before) like it happened yesterday. If I don't remember something its because I really wasn't paying attention.

3. The girls are the exact same way. I am thankful that they did not get their Daddy's memory who on a good day can't find his wallet or his ID card to get on post.

4. I am doing my very best to teach these kids to treat every person they come into contact with kindness. To be kind. To be respectful. Regardless of class, color of skin, whatever. And above all else to have manners. Whether the star is present or if you deliver a garbage truck. Manners..it's a lost business. People in the world are more impressed with themselves than others are..

5. I do not sell Matilda Jane clothing people. I laugh a little to myself every time I am asked this. I sit in alleys to buy it but I do not sell it.

6. Yesterday we saw a snake at the pool. Finally. I knew deep down the day would come and BAM! Snake at the pool.

7. You all know that I hate a snake. And yet I remained calm. And requested a hoe to kill the snake. No hoe. Not even a broom.

8. Thankful for the answered prayer of our new children's minister - Miss Tracey!! Such a blessing to us all. We are thrilled and excited to see what God has in store for this awesome lady..

9. Drew turns three Saturday. Where has the time gone? I can't believe it..

10. I am in search of a key cake for his birthday. Yes, you read that right. A cake shaped like car keys. Have mercy..

on being fine

We have made it to the one month mark. Finally. Praise the Lord. It is minuscule in the long term of this deployment but also huge.

I feel like we are maybe just maybe over the crying all the time stage. That we will be able to go to bed without crying every night.

That is if we ever actually make it to bed on any given day. Bed time around here is the hardest, most dreaded part of my day.

I am so close and yet so far. The end is in sight and yet it takes me forever to get there.

What used to take 15 minutes now takes over an hour. Bible story, prayers, bathroom routine. Tucking in. Times four. Except two kids repeatedly get out of bed. Over and over and over again.

Amelia cries every single night if I am not on the couch if she opens her bedroom door to check. I can't take out the trash, run out to my car for a forgotten cell phone, I am chained to the couch. She is terrified of being left behind.

So I sit. Reading, watching TV. Not doing laundry.

In the middle of the night Drew and Amelia wake up. Never at the same time. Throughout the night. I am like a hibernating bear.. do not wake me up unless there is blood or vomit or asthma.

There is never blood or vomit or asthma. Jason always did night time wake ups.

Yes, I really do get five hours of sleep. Combined sleep. Its like two newborn babies that walk and cry and repeatedly walking up steps all night.

Then Will wakes up for the day "starving" when the sun comes up. Always when the sun comes up..

One month down and so many more to go..

There are so many people to thank, I don't even know where to start. My parents, Tracey, Mike, Joey and Sammy. Theresa. My friends. You keep us going and I love you all.

Some of you understand that I just don't want to talk about this every.single.time. I see you. And I love you for that..

Others don't understand that I can't talk about it. So you keep asking. And I love you for your concern but I just can't talk about it.

You don't know that when I hear the words "I'm sorry" over and over and over again, I want to crawl out of my own skin because I'm so tired of hearing those words.

That for the first time ever, I can almost understand what it is like for someone that has lost someone they love. They hear over and over again "I'm sorry. What can I do?"

Nothing. There is nothing anyone can do and while "I'm sorry" is heartfelt it is claustrophobic.

I really do not know where Jason is. I don't talk to him every single day. Communication absolutely is terrible this time around. Terrible..

I have spoken to my husband 2 times for 15 minutes in 1 month. My emails get kicked back. Communication is terrible.

I can't explain this to you and hear "I'm sorry". I just don't want to talk about it.

I just want our lives to be normal.

I do not want to see pity in your eyes when you look at me.

I don't want my kids to have to hear about it every day. We are living it we can't keep talking about it too.

I am doing my best to feel normal when a huge, huge piece of me is missing.

Every move I make right now, I make for four little people.

That I cannot do all that I usually do. I struggle to find time to do what I am actually doing.

So that we will be able to walk in a store and see a soldier and not bawl our eyes out.

We will be able to go to our first day of kindergarten without our Daddy and it won't be a big deal..

I convince Will that peeing in the woods when there is no bathroom available is what soldiers do. Maybe a stretch but whatever..

We will come out of this still proud and patriotic in a country, that is, well not..

So that we will all sleep.

That this deployment is enough. That this will finally be enough. That it will be someone else's turn finally..

I wish that when you heard me say "I am fine." You would know that it's a fight to get to "fine" most days. That I'm not falling apart, I haven't lost my mind yet and that fine is good.

I don't expect to surpass fine given our current situation. I see "fine" as passing the course. And right now, I'm just happy to not be failing.

ten on tuesday

1. We have made it to July. Praise the Lord.

2. Bella attended her first swim party this week with church. She has been waiting to go for two years, since Halle and Naomi used to tell her about it. She rode the bus to the big pool and went to CiCis for pizza all by herself, with friends from church. She was so excited.

3. Amelia was not so excited about Bella's swimming experience. Can we say jealous pot? She is now counting down until it is her turn. In two years :)

4. Thank goodness Will does not have the same competitive streak these girls have.
He prefers to give me heart attacks by climbing on and jumping off of furniture. No drama with Will.

5. The past few days it has been a pleasant 108 degrees. Yes you read that right. ONE HUNDRED EIGHT DEGREES. Who is jealous??

6. Jason always tells me "it's not really hot until your sweat immediately evaporates when it touches the air" Well, last week I finally knew what he was talking about.

7. This week I told Drew he was a grumpy old man. He said, no, I am Drewby.

8. Chloe is here visiting this week. Will is in heaven with his two BFFs Addie and Chloe. The three muskateers are together again. I wish I could rewind the clock.

9. Swimming lessons were a huge success last week. Will is now swimming without his puddle jumper and all three of the bigger kids are working on freestyle. Drew swims with his face in the water all the time now.

10. We are scouting out a back pack for kindergarten. If you know the fashionista you know it has to be perfect.